“we’re friends, really really good friends, but i don’t know where this goes…we may not last longer than i wish we could, but what matters?”
“i’ve told him that i love him. His very marvelous reply was, Weh?”
“i prefer to love, that’s why i’m here. To love and be hurt.”
“his gaze passes through my soul and even after it was gone, the gaze still continues to pierce me.”
“Now this is the bloody part of the day. My bag fell down the wishing well. My cellphone and notes were inside. So my cellphone malfunctioned for like, half of eternity. But Reji was very concerned about it. He nearly dived the cliff to recover my bag. But we did have someone go down and get it for us, for a hundred pesos. He took my phone and blew the water off, and he said, Yuck yung tubig, pero ‘di bale na, para naman sa’yo.”
“Maybe we’re just really good friends who found themselves kissing at the park, hugging each other at Minesview, holding hands at Session Road, and sticking their heads so close to each other as they ride home. Are we lovers? What are lovers anyway? Do we need to have a contract, a box full of love letters, a mouthful of whispers of i love you or can we just simply go along with our lives and live our affection?”
“I find myself wanting so much. I don’t want the semester to end, I don’t want to pause the euphoria. I’m at the stairsteps where he first put his head on my shoulder. And i’m crying, as i realize that i’ve fallen aloud and so fast.”
“Tapos, sa likod namin, lumitaw yung hinihintay ko mula pagmulat ng mata ko. Si Reji. Si Reji ko. Hahaha”
“Kung alam niya lang ang mga munting pintig sa dibdib ko. Kung papaanong nais gumuhit ng ngiti sa aking mga labi at ihalakhak ang ligaya.”
“At habang nilalakad ko ang daan patungo sa bahay na ito, nasa langit ang aking isipan at tila nilalakad ko ang alapaap.”
“So i walked the cold Session Road alone this time, with tears in my eyes.”
“The reason why this notebook existed, why the first pages had been written on, has finally disappeared. It’s over, before it has begun… And right now I want to pour all of my emotions so I’ll have nothing to feel at all.”
These lines were written from October 5, 2010 to October 31, 2010. I wrote them on a Yeah brown A5 journal, which i bought in remembrance of a promise: if i fall in love again, i’ll write about it in a notebook. And so i did. It was the happiest days of my life, and the memories are still very vivid. So vivid, I had to spend successive weeknights of my life (after we “decided” to part our ways) dreaming about him. Even now, they’re as alive as the warm blood in my veins.
The last time I scanned these entries (last last semester), i had to cut right my arm, out of despair and sadness. The very little scar is still here. You know how much everything will suck once you’ve been through what could be the best? That was what happened to my life, since i dropped my pen and closed the notebook.
Or did I? Did i really give up? Did we really stop loving each other? But why does it hurt? Why does it still hurt?
It’s easy to plaster wounds and apply make up over scars, but when the temporary facade (conscious forgetting, self-hypnosis) peels off, they reveal to be cuts and burns that will never seem to heal.
Yes, I didn’t cut my arm tonight, nor, did i cry a pail of tears. But after this night, after i open my eyes to see tomorrow’s light, spring joyfully on my strides, groan in boredom, laugh heartedly, wear my daydream smiles, watch porn…
I’d still be an empty girl.
