today, i realized how awkward my facebook friends could be.
come on. given a gun, i wouldn’t say no to not killing myself; what do you think i’d be capable of doing if we’re talking about people i despise? i would shoot, i would kill, i would be imprisoned. but i wouldn’t volunteer for suicide bombing; it’s not as dramatic as a head shot or shooting spree.
the reason? someone had the same hair as mine, and had the same love interest as mine. just imagine le me browsing her pictures while thinking about murder, my eyes reflecting a bloody murder scene, my eyes possessing a darkness as intense as that of a thirsty vampire. imagine le me with an evil eye, about to leave my seat anytime with a gun in my hand, blurred with all sense of morality, like a werewolf attacking his child. i needed to kill: if not a soul, then at least my own anger.
i lashed out my anger at him, but probably he didn’t care enough about me to feel my anger, or my desire to just. fucking. catch. his. attention. it’s a constipated attempt. but right now, it would be boring to talk about it, since later on i realized that i’d been picking on the wrong girl. weehee. but still, i’m not taking my words back with regard to how much i hate the thought of them so happy together.
like last time, i asked him, “so what’s up?” he replied, “heaven.hah.” and i could just imagine the two of them, holding hands along burnham park, smiling like two ten-year-olds tripping. but that wasn’t just that. another supposition of mine was that he just came after a mind blowing head, and she swallowed all the way. i wanted to crush every MnM in my hand to the thought of them, fucking and having a good time.
or to what my polluted, dysfunctional mind tells me.
****
i found this out just tonight, after coming across this one:<p
and take note of the date: 31st of October. two days later, it was november 2, and hell knows what happened during the evening of November 2.
it was a moment of reminiscence, a night of snot and swollen eyes. and we made a stupid promise together. i remember that because i marked the thing on my phone calendar. and that was just the beginning of so many moooooooore things. including the epic 20 questions followed by a conversation that lasted up to later than 1 am.
and so many more.
but then stuff happens, promises get fucked, bitches bitch out, and i can no longer keep up my sanity.
ah, if it were not for my sore throat, i’d be perfectly fine. at least i feel like i’m back to normal, at least tonight.
10:24 PM 1/19/2012
my phone, my stupid phone had shut down twice since i tried to write about today. right now, i’m pretty pissed and tired. i mean, after all that trying to come up with figures of speech and description…wasted, thrown away. and all that tranquil feeling i got after just watching Girl, Interrupted, interrupted by my thoughts about Galang. i’d planned on mentioning his name online, but nevermind, my phone shut down. he’s lucky. anyway i don’t want to hate right now, i want to be calm and stop hating. my day went off quite unwell, a very typical thursday complete with the expected hassle and feeling of failure…
fuck. i can’t go on anymore.
[for my date diary
very bad eng21. fairie queene eff.
cl113 the usual blur.
lunch, alone, always.
pe class new dance.
ate junk food.
slept slept, watched girl interrupted
pretty pissed.
i haaaate.]
10:30 PM 1/19/2012
