4:08 PM 11/28/2011
sometimes, i read the verses that i have previously written and posted for the public, then i’mma be like: “heavens. this sucks. this isn’t poetry — this is loosely connected phrases: when ‘neath the red moonlight/we both undressed/though the heavens didn’t say yes? no aesthetic value as well as content.”
i shit the internet. i shit my dignity.
anyway…taking that as an eye opener, my self tells me that what i should do now is become real and just drop it — not my course, you bastards — the sex that i never had but is in my writing, the advanced 5 decades in my timepiece, my tickets back and forth to dreamland — and just lay down my real shit. get to know my fucking myself, which i lose every now and then, and redefine it from a lost definition –
ACT 1
######### begin:
“this is it, and wherever I’ll be, this is better than to be back in there.”
next!
name please?
mia.
age?
17.
do you know how you got here?
uhm, (thinks) i really don’t know, i think…i just drifted off and…i’m here, so..
best guess?
hmm. maybe i can shit out this dude. 
it’s either…erotic asphyxiation or drugs?
stop thinking you’re a rockstar.
sorry.
my record shows you are quite clean, eh?
fulfilled new year’s resolution of “no smoking”, anal sex virgin at seventeen, never been drunk, never took shots from somebody else’s mouth, never had semen inside vaginal cavity –
— impressive, deary.
you know a lot, but, uhm, does that make me accepted here?
no, it just means you barely have lived a life to be here, honey.
you gotta be shitting me, is this not an engineering firm?
you know, you’re still not legal, and you’re lucky today, juvenile hell is fully booked, so I can’t –
NO! i’m not going to be sent back!
you gotta be crazy honey, see how Hitler is taking his 55th chance just to be back.
please…i know i’m going to hell because i’m an atheist and have lesbian sex in my dreams –
*wink wink*
but…i’d rather be where Kurt Cobain and Brian Jones are, and Amy Winehouse, too, than stay down there where i virtually have no life.
(roll eyes) drama shit, again. you wanna get double dead?
w-what?
sigh…come here.
(they went to the peephole to the past)
do you see that girl in the well?
Sadako?
Nah, just looks like Sadako cause it’s lights off and she’s taking nude pictures. Heh. Quite fat and boobless, isn’t she?
Kidding. Now see what she’s doing…
uhm…i guess i’m watching RayWilliamJohnson in that scene?
hmm.. how could you say so?
because i’m smiling and all happy.
well, you gotta be more reminiscent.
Shane Dawson?
*roll eyes* you are receiving text messages from that Pisces, Reji.
oh…yeah. but that’s stopped…
(sees a scene where she’s crying over the phone)
well, why do you think the sublime connection stopped?
(begins to cry) sorry…answer for me, i think you know…
Truth’s gotta be hard, but not much because you’re aware of it but, it’s because you wanted him to let go of his pride, and call you and tell you he loves you, and beg you to stay with him, didn’t you?
(wipes tears) yes.
and at one point, you even got to think that it was no longer pride, but it might be because he probably has no feelings for you to begin with, and he’s just turning to you to pass his time?
yes…like i’m a rag doll of some sort.
sigh. (loudly) why are you so incapable of not being a shithead for even just some time?
you know damn well that he has feelings for you.
(shakes head) but Shakespeare said, he doesn’t love that do not show his love!
Shakespeare can fuck himself, honey. You’re just a selfish bitch! You are the one that do not show her love. If you do, you wouldn’t write offensive, seducing, insulting material on your blog, and you wouldn’t shun him away and say that he’s only up for the spark.
You are too suspicious, and paranoid, too easily bored, evil enough to find pleasure in a distressed man. Not every man is as stupid and as malleable as your ex, you know.
but you know damn well, that’s how we got together.
Exactly. That’s also why you split up, right? Now, see this one:
my besfriend for five years.
Whom you also lost because of what? Because of your selfishness and your lack of trust. And you are so evil for no reason that you antagonized at plurk each and every of her tumblr posts, while she didn’t even do anything to you.
but i love her, you know…it’s just that she –
Justifying, justifying!
Well! I would apologize if she tells me!
You want to see people hurting for you.
Do you know how I myself have hurt through the years?
But that isn’t enough for you to ruin your life up! And mess with other people! Would you expect her to be happy after you break your promise that you will not leave her at Baguio?
About that, It’s not just my decision, you know –
Yours was the final decision, you stupid cunt! And it was your pride, remember?
alright, fuck it, dude.
Don’t turn your back! Now see your parents:
Your father, is getting old and weak. Your brother, is getting close to stagnation everyday. Your mom fully trusts you that you will give back someday. But look at you…you’re a wreck. All you think about is following what you desire!
this has nothing to do with my will to learn about poetry, you know!
Fuck up, dude! So you think you are going to earn a living with that shitty poetry of yours?
it’s none of your business!!!! I study what I want!
You’re not even studying anymore, you just fade away!
stop it!
All you think about is turning twenty and so you can sleep with men and drink alcohol!
ah! you know that was just a vision that I couldn’t do!
Oh yeah? Picking up on MGMT? Same as your “visions” before you found yourself at the plate for statutory rape?
shut up! — that we’ll never know. i don’t even get out of this motherfucking house!
Heh. Now do you remember how you got here?
no, just tell me!
You hung yourself in the bathroom.
(feels her neck) really?
No. You died of pancreatitis. You died in your sleep. I know that’s how you want it, to die painless. But when you drank two bottles of vodka while watching gay porn, did you consider to die that night?
well…i might as well. i’m not living for anybody, right? i’ve lost all the people I ever loved more than myself. i have to wear a mask when i’m around my parents…
Tell me your daydreams before that night.
(starts to get teary-eyed, begins to daydream) I just gave birth…to a healthy baby boy and…he got his father’s eyes. and…there’s not too many people in my hospital room. but there’s the two of us…we name the kid Karl Marx, though I prefer William. 
and soon, our parents come there, too. and i tell my child: “don’t take drugs.”
Hey, you’re crying
For a future i’ll never have,
who says you can’t?
(looks down to earth) I just, feel it in my veins, you know. Like how you know if it’s going to rain…but have you ever tried, sitting on a bench, beneath those trees and then the wind blows, and you so damn wish it tells you something… but it doesn’t. Or you close your eyes, while watching a cornball movie and just for two goddamned seconds, believe deeply, completely soak yourself over the idea that you will be as happy…
*wink wink*
but then, you open your eyes…to realize that you’re really nowhere, and you’re just…dreaming your life up.
-_-
that’s how my life feels these days…and it’s certainly not the kind of life that you want to get back to.
If the heavens will give you something just so you will want to come back, what would it be?
Well…it’s true love, i guess.
[1.2.3]
Sigh. You’re such a corny being.
ok , fine.
If it weren’t for the gay porn.
i don’t watch gay porn!
then, as jesus laughed, she turned to see a new guy up for the queue line. her heart started to beat fast (ok i know she’s dead, but whatever, dudes!) upon the sight of him.
Oh, my fucking Jesus! it’s him!
(they crouched behind some nimbus clouds to eavesdrop on the newcomer)
–
cause of death?
suicide.
–
god…i thought we’re having just the same well lives.
*shrugs*
—
i’m here, because…i can’t stand the fact that she’s gone before i am even able to show her…how much i love her…
who is this girl?
just some girl…who writes stupid poetry….and loves the 60′s…sings in the shower…
—
i know it’s crazy to die over a girl that’s full of shit…but hey, what matters? i’d rather die that to live a life knowing that i had let the best days pass…
jesus…
well, there’s no childbirth here in heaven, or steamy sex.
*laughs* well…i think you’ll be doing double deliveries back to earth, jesus.
###### end!!
everything under [1.2.3] is just fake.
nevertheless, i feel better now.
it feels nice to admit that indeed, life is shit.
happy day, guys.
