Buwanang Imbakan: Hulyo 2011

THE CYCLE

7:36 PM 7/28/2011
After many dreamless sleep, I had a weird dream last night. So I was protecting this girl-princess from an (supposedly) assassin who wants to kill her (or both of us). We were running through a meadow inside the campus and we were throwing spears at each other. I got hit through my stomach but i survived. So, in vengeance and dread, i killed him by throwing a spear across his chest and then he dies. I get prosecuted. In my trial, my defense was that i am protecting the girl. She didn’t speak for me. Nevertheless, i get thrown into the campus prison and wore a white gown as if i am put into an asylum. The girl did not even visit me. One lonely night, a freshman peeked in the small opening of the metal door which served as my only ventilation. She asked why i was there. With dark eyes, I said: I murdered someone.

My mood last night penetrated into my sleep. Interpreting my own dream, it’s about protecting my aspiration and only reason of hope (the girl) but in the end of my fight for it, i am left alone, betrayed, failed. I’m giving my life for it, the whole of me…but what do i get? Imprisonment into despair and eyes that would look at me as if i am a pig in line for slaughter.

My morning doesn’t get any better. I tried to fake a smile as i got off at Petron. I ended up dog-smiling instead. I can’t quite convince myself of anything: first, that i am letting go of this stupid dream, and second, that i can still be happy.

I reached the lecture room thirty minutes earlier. During the wait, i stared out the window, got myself lost with my desperate thoughts. All of a sudden, i didn’t know where i am headed off to. I do not want this venturing anymore. What am i trying to be? Why is it that the only thing i wish i can ever be is so close and yet so far? If i cannot be what i want in the end, i might as well stop living. I go back to that scene with a knife in my hand. My right hand is laid on the table, while my left hand holds the knife up in the air and it shakes. My mind wants to chop off my right hand so i’d die of bleeding. But my body wishes otherwise. It doesn’t want to kill itself. So i throw the knife away and i cry. I wake up from my open-eyed sleep, put my mask on, and act my role in the universe once more. Repeat cycle. Feel temporary happiness. Reach the top of euphoria. Wake up in the middle of my daydream. Realize that no one is breaking the cycle just yet. Get depressed.

Break the cycle. Give me what i want. Give me a reason to keep my compromise with life.

Mag-iwan ng puna

I HOPE THIS IS A MOMENTARY DYING SITUATION.

7:33 PM 7/27/2011
Frown. Discontent. Moody. I’m losing it, again.

I long for consistency. I hate myself. I wish i can induce my own happiness. Or maybe i am starting to miss those days that begin and end with a smile. No i do not miss the person. I miss the magic that there was. I miss how my life seemed like it’s coming from a movie. I miss feeling like a princess. I miss the feeling of getting a midnight call. No i don’t miss getting a midnight call. Wait, erase erase. I do not miss the midnight call part.

What if i’m wrong. What if love is just another…erase erase. No, it is real.

What if i cry myself to sleep tonight? Who would calm me down? I miss an imaginary arm that embraces me…sometimes the blanket isn’t warm enough. I miss…the make believe that seems real. The role play. Writing poems. The stupidity. The drama. Wait, no, i do not miss the drama. The drama is unhelpful…no, helpful in some ways. But it is insane. Beautifully insane.

Sparks last only for two seconds. A lightning lasts a split second. The darkness is cast for an infinite amount of time.

And the girl cries but is without tears. Then she loses herself. Then she jumps off. Because no one is there to say he’d jump when she jumps.

Honestly, i don’t know why i am suddenly hit by a depressive state.

Maybe it’s vibes. Bad vibes. I’m gonna close my eyes now. My heart is pained.

Mag-iwan ng puna